


Preparation of Nothing

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Relationship(s), Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 06:51:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6693898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He'd drawn his curtains and blocked out the sun by the third day and by the sixth, he had no sense of time or day. It was only a vague illusion of a sleeping schedule that told him he could possibly have been on day six, but for all he knew it could have been seven or eight or even nine if he'd slept too long or been awake longer than he'd thought. Food was running out and every bit of alcohol in the apartment had been processed through his system already. And here, on day - perhaps - six, he laid on his couch, staring up at the ceiling as he smoked his last cigarette, the tray on the table overflowing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Preparation of Nothing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HamHamHeaven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamHamHeaven/gifts).



> From request kiss meme on tumblr. "Comforting kissing on tear stained cheeks"  
> Song[s]: "I Found" by Amber Run

Nothing could have prepared Kaoru for the pain that was losing his mother. There was a sense that everyone always knew what would one day come; every single human being on the planet knew they'd lose someone close to them at some point. But no matter how prepared one is for the idea of it, the reality is always so much worse. 

He'd been okay through making the arrangements, through the execution of them even. His remaining family and his friends had been with him. And his father had needed his attention, the man more distraught that Kaoru would have ever imagined him capable of being. But the truth was, even as he was sitting through it all, his arm around his father's shoulders, all he could imagine was the day he'd be making these arrangements for him as well. When he looked at his sister, all he could see was the way her face would look arranged in the peace or horror of death. When people talked to him, all he could hear was the sounds their voices were making, but not really the words they were trying to express. He _existed_ , but nothing more.

The days tripped past one another, everything falling into place and all of the things his father wanted gone from the house removed, all of her bills settled. And Kaoru still found himself wandering through life as though apart from it. Some days he felt like his feet wouldn't touch the ground if he so much as peeled himself out of his bed. Others, he was certain he's sink right down into the depths of the tan carpet never to be found again. Life marched forward, leaving him right behind and hell if he didn't think it was better that way.

By the fifth day, he was only vaguely aware that he might have needed some help, that he might have at least needed someone there beside him. But with his life having always been far more focused on his band - a band he was, at best, neglecting now - he had no one beside him. No one to lean on. No one to help clean up this mess that was his mind and his heart.

He'd drawn his curtains and blocked out the sun by the third day and by the sixth, he had no sense of time or day. It was only a vague illusion of a sleeping schedule that told him he could possibly have been on day six, but for all he knew it could have been seven or eight or even nine if he'd slept too long or been awake longer than he'd thought. Food was running out and every bit of alcohol in the apartment had been processed through his system already. And here, on day - perhaps - six, he laid on his couch, staring up at the ceiling as he smoked his last cigarette, the tray on the table overflowing. 

When he closed his eyes all he could see was her face and right behind her the never-ending line of everyone he'd ever cared about, all waiting their turn to take the plunge into death. Some small part of him knew it was irrational, knew he needed to kick this. But the rest overlooked such matters, instead focusing on wherever his mind went, wherever it wanted to float away to and for however long.

His arm rested over the edge of the couch, the ashes from his cigarette falling into a neat little pile on the rug as it burned down toward his fingers. His breath caught and he didn't even fight for it, just let his vision fade out and his lungs burn. When he finally took in the breath it was only because he could feel the warmth of the cherry on his cigarette burning too low. 

The sound of keys in the lock came to him, but he couldn't bring himself to care. If they had keys, then they belonged here. If they were breaking in, good on them. And if they had the wrong apartment, they'd find out soon enough. He tossed the cigarette butt into the bowl, turning his head to watch it continue to burn down into the filter line. 

The door opened and footsteps came across the apartment, but Kaoru didn't even look up, couldn't find it in him to care what would or would not happen to him or the things around him. 

A hand stretched across his line of sight, reaching to crush out the cigarette butt and then the couch shifted, a hand coming to rest lightly on his hip. He struggled, pulling his vision away from the ashtray and up to a face etched with worry lines and eyes alive with concern. He turned his hand and in an instant, Shinya's hand was holding his own, lacing their fingers together as he leaned forward, reaching to gently trail his fingers over the steady march of tears that had been tracking down Kaoru's cheeks for as long as he could remember being alone in here.

He didn't scold him, didn't tell him he could have called or that he should have reached out for help. In fact, he didn't say a single word and that was exactly what Kaoru had imagined he'd need if someone so much as bothered. 

They sat for what felt like an eternity, Shinya only watching him, his thumb moving in lazy circles over Kaoru's hand. It finally started to bubble up inside of him, all the pain and all the heartache. Every ounce of loss and desperate sorrow came raging to the surface in a choked-off sob and when Shinya dragged him upright, pulled him into his arms, he didn't fight it. He only pressed his face against Shinya's shoulder and let it out. It came on like it was happening to someone else, like he'd detached himself from his own emotions enough to examine them, as though he were watching himself sob without feeling a thing about it. 

It felt like hours before he finally began to truly feel something again. By the time he did, he was shaking, trembling in Shinya's grasp and the tears were slowing but hadn't dried up just yet. His mouth felt like cotton and his world seemed hazy and pointless, only the grip of Shinya's fingers against his back giving him any sense of belonging to this world. 

Drawing back, he finally looked up into Shinya's face again, finding the evidence of his own tears, finding a pain that rivaled his own and he understood - in that moment - that this was for _him_. Shinya's pain was because of Kaoru's, a watered down mirror of his own turmoil. Every sense of caution he'd ever had in the past abandoned him then, seeming by far the most pointless of ideals he'd ever held onto, and he took in a deep breath, preparing himself to tell Shinya everything, but the words never made it out of his mouth.

Shinya's fingers gently pushed through his hair, moving the tangled mess of it back as he leaned in, stopping a hair's breadth from kissing him, only their breath mingling on the air. And Kaoru felt something, felt something other than the expanse of his pain again. He felt hope and he felt the smallest leap of desire. His fingertips clenched against Shinya's chest and he turned his head just the slightest, feeling Shinya's breath over his cheek and then the press of a kiss against his tear-stained cheek. Closing his eyes, he let it happen, let the air come easier and the pain ease for a fraction of a second with each and every tender little action.

Swallowing down the knot in his throat, he let the tension in his body ease for the first time since he'd laid his mother to rest, let himself feel something other than pain. And for the first time in all the years he'd known Shinya, he let himself acknowledge the expanse of his emotions toward him. When their eyes met again, his confession was as wordless as the rest of their conversation. But he could see the spark of recognition, the dawn of understanding... and the reciprocation of it all. Nothing in the world could have prepared him for this. For losing one person and gaining another.


End file.
